Prelude: My diagnosis Back when I was 14 or so, I learned about autism… thanks to Ao3. I had heard of the term before in passing, but solely as the "little non-verbal (white) rich boy who rocks in place constantly" disorder. Seeing an autistic girl project her experience onto a character from their point of view made me realize I did abnormally relate to the atypical behaviors. So I went down the rabbit hole of researches, and realized it made a lot of sense for me to be autistic. I brought the subject to my mother, who repeatedly told me I could never had autism. How did she know? Because when I was about 6, the elementary school wanted to get me diagnosed, suggesting autism (along with other stuff like being antisocial), and she thought it was an insult. So she didn't agree, and sent me to inexperienced psychiatrists who never really talked to me at all. When I was 16, I recieved the results of my assesment that happened a few months earlier. I was terrified I wouldn't be diagnosed, and I wouldn't find an explanation to many of my behaviors. Despite my visible stress and tears, the psychiatrist refused to give the results straight up, and explained every single details of the assesment comments for over a hour. Then announcing at the end, "These particularities point towards the presence of autism spectrum disorder with a severity level of 1 out of 3, according to the DSM-5 classification". To be honest, I'm still angry at her for not telling me straight up, because that was such a relief to hear. And thus I was diagnosed. But, how exactly does my autism manifests in my every day life? Part 1: My autism & how it manifests Social communication and interactions deficits → How I communicate One of the first noticeable things about me is that I rarely look at people in the eyes. In fact, I didn't know you were supposed to do that until I was 14, researching autism, and saw it as a symptom- I used to think it was something you did only when you got scolled. I still struggle to look at people in general, especially in the eyes. I wouldn't straight up call my vocabulary "restricted", when I am willing to, I can learn new words. But it is definitely very repetitive. I often use the same speech patterns and the same couple of words, repeatedly. A few example: I impulsively apologize a lot; I often structure my questions very precisely, will come to people, sit there and stare, then say "Excuse me, can I [subject]?"; I use the words "Honestly"/"Though"/"So"/"Like"/"Yeah" excessively (to the point I myself noticed it)… I also often reuse the same patterns I've seen elsewhere. I often talk about myself first, because I don't know how to talk about others or an external subject. I don't know what to ask others, what to tell them, or what subjects to pick (if I even remember that option exists at all). Even when I do switch things up, I often share my experiences with them first. I try to ask questions back with "How about you?", but I don't do much else. I never really pay attention to my own non-verbal actions or use them to my advantage. I find myself fidgetting ith my hair as if I was flirting when I just like my hair. I know when to smile or exagerate some facial expressions, but I don't naturally emote much- my bestie once tell me I had a "sad resting face". I never know how to show I listen to the other person and feel compassion. I often say "yeah, yeah" as if I ddin't care, or don't ask further questions, because I just don't know what to say. When someone feel bad I can't help but say generalities and "that sucks, I hope it gets better". I'm overtly honest. I tend to overshare because I want to be precise and tell the exact truth, ask overly blunt questions, and if I'm confused about something even if it's meant to be ambiguous, I will ask about it. When I have to express myself, such as on this blog, I have to structure things very precisely and be as consice as possible. Well, it's more of a necessity, because otherwise what I say if confusing or downright nonsensical. → How I percieve others I don't pay attention or understand non-verbal cues much. If someone looks obviously sad and says "I'm fine", I either short-circuit or assume it's their normal state. I may think someone busy is available and vice-versa. I don't notice others a lot in general. I already ran into people I knew and didn't recognize them at all at first. I don't often notice when someone needs me. I don't always get when a person looks distressed and may seem insensitive. I've already confused similar looking people several times, especially when we're not acquaintances yet. I struggle to care in a socially acceptable way. I struggle to ask others about their lives, often talking about mine (expecting them to share theirs in response). I struggle to remember details of other people's lives, and in particular names. I struggle to think about others in a way that doesn't involve me. I often don't notice or care a lot about some people, unless I really like them (platonically), then I start really learning about them and noticing them. I struggle to make out others' words (alright, maybe that's not directly autism, but still). Especially in a noisy place, I often cannot make sense of what other says, mishear what they say, or take a couple of seconds to process what they're saying, leading me to ask them to repeat, and understanding before they do so. I rarely reach out first. I most often talk in open-ended contexts: post on this blog, post on social medias or Discord servers, go at social gathering… but spontaneously messaging a person one-on-one, especially checking on someone is hard for me. What would I even say? I can make an exception for my best friend and people I'm really close to, though. Or if it's a scheduled talk or something with a clear goal: Sending something someone wanted to receive, wishing someone a happy birthday whenever my calendar reminds me… Restricted, repetitive patterns of behaviors & interests → Behaviors I've given up on a getting a routine, but I have very important habits: never talk to me in the morning before I've been to the bathroom first (unless I go back to sleep, then don't percieve me), I have to touch a plush of particular before I go to sleep, I cannot touch my phone after getting out of bed until I opened the window, among others. I stim a lot, quite intensively and excessively: - Physical stim includes: rocking back and forth, playing with my hands/hair/clothes, flapping hands and moving my hands/arms repeatively in general, dancing, making sudden movements such as jumping repeatedly or looking around, clicking on random things on my computer. - Vocal stims include: Singing for no reasons, saying random words ("Poyo"), phrases ("Can you beat Minecraft with dementia? Is it even possible? Can it be done?"), entire short videos ("You, me, gas station! …"), meowing, thinking out loud, agreeing for no reasons outside of a conversation, alone. I can note in the writing of these two bullet points above, I have: repeateadly looked around, stopped to play with my hands, randomly said "Autism!", randomly said "Yeah, yeah", rocked back and forth, danced in my chair (music is playing in the background as always), said "Fish!", sang (the same music playing in my headphones), squished my face, and I think that's most of it. I think I do stim every minutes, sometimes several times per minutes, when I'm alone. I always have the same thought patterns (or the same groups of thoughts patterns, rather). Not as in "consistent human being", but as in "always thinking the same rigid way, about the same things". I've wanted to make a fictional story for a while, but struggle with repeating the same idea over and over, which generally is just a fantacized version of my own experiences with my life. I struggle to take into account others in these, too. If I expect things to go in a very specific way and it doesn't, I can react very badly. I also really struggle to switch between activities, or intiate something when I do nothing. → Interests When I like a fictional universe, I struggle to care about any other fictions. I get sad when I already have seen most fanarts or posts about that oddly specific part of the universe I'm currently on about. It's very hard for me to get into any medias at all. I've began watching countless series I've given up, because it isn't in my habits to watch series. The idea of booting up a new game panics me, I don't know what to expect and fear what I could have to do, face, learn, or for it to overwhelm me. I tuggle to read at all because it's not in my registered habits. Quite honestly, I don't do much except listen to the same musics over and over because I struggle to start new things so much. It's very easy for me to not pick up or register anything at all about something I'm not excessively interested in. I sucked at Outer Wilds so much when it wasn't a special interest yet. I could barely conclude anything from many, many expeditions, barely made any theories at all, because I didn't compute any of it. Part 2: My differences with other level 1s & why I think I could be level 2 In terms of social interactions, I feel the others are able to at least mask, even if it's hard. Whenever I mask, I just seem like a level 1 autist who doesn't mask. When I talk to people I really struggle to seem normal at all, people necessarily pick up I'm at least atypical from interacting a little with me, and my autism is obvious if you know what it is. I also understood others often stim when anxious, or when feeling strong emotions. I do it near constantly, for no clear reasons at all. I need a lot of mental structure to make sense of anything at all. If something is too theorical, ambiguous or unclear, I can't make sense of it at all. I either understand something, or I don't. Same goes with explaining things and communicating: If I don't say things in a specificly structured way, people get confused and don't understand. I feel this struggle isn't shared by most other level 1s. I know I've already been told by some friends they didn't see me being independent ever, as in living alone, for example. I'm not too sure if it holds truth or not. I suppose I still could be independent, but I need to make specific lists in my head on how to keep everything going, make new habits, and also holding a job (the hardest part). For the latter, even if I'm obviosuly atypical, I got the advantage of being a competitive people pleaser, as well as being fast in my tasks, so at least there's that. In general, I feel like I struggle much more in everyday life functioning and social situations, and I'm much less integrated than my level 1 autistic peers. I can see there is clearly more struggle on my hand, but I can't quite explain why. If we go by the general defined differences between levels 1 and 2, I'd say I relate much more to level 2: While level 1s are told to struggle with social interactions in a way that can be helped with support, levels 2s are said to visibly struggle even with support, being visibly autistic all the time. I definitely feel the latter is true for me. I feel like my social interactions and abilities are more limited/restricted than other level 1s, and I have stronger deficits in general. I feel my distress regarding new things, habits changes and task interruptions are greater. I also struggle a lot when I plan something and it doesn't go exactly as planned. My interests feel more restricted and fewer than others level 1s, and that it's harder for me to explore at all. I think the main reasons why I could see I'm not level two is that I adapt very easily to unexpected changes in a day's plan (mostly because I have no plans), my people pleasing habits, the fact I can sometimes look in the eyes, the fact I can emote if I consciously choose to, or recognize major facial expressions and some non verbal cues (like, if someone is walking away, they're not coming toward you). Closing thoughts I know it's hard to tell whether you're level 2 autistic yourself. Especially when the criterias I found were so vague. But my point is: I feel more impared than most level 1s I meet. It's to the point I feel like that one "1% more autistic person pissing off everyone" pretty often. I feel like my autism is way more obvious, and much harder to be masked, if it can be masked at all that is. So, even with fellow autists, I just feel like a weirdo, inadapted, like I make everyone cringe. Perhaps it's also social anxiety speaking, but even that social anxiety is born from being so different, that even the "mild" different is normal, compared to me.
> Back to blog posts > Back home